Hmmm...

Okay so I haven't really been doing an awful lot of blogging. To be honest, there hasn't been a lot I really want to talk about in the public eye. It's easy to come across as holy and righteous when blogging (I would say I can be a victim of that!) but I've not felt very holy and righteous this year.

Normally, when people do these end of year blogs, they talk about what an amazing year they have had. Although I've had a lot of personal highlights, this year has been one of the most difficult years for my life. I'll explain.

Back in June, I was diognosed with depression. For those who know my story, I had depression when I was 13/14. So it's sadly nothing new. And if I'm truthful, it's something I've wondered if I've had for a while. But I decided to finally see a doctor (with a push from a friend) and go for it. How the heck do you respond to news like this? Celebrate with cake? Mourn? Well...cake was involved, but definetly not in the form of celebrating.

I guess it leaves you with the questions, why the heck do I have to go through this? I think I asked God this question numerous times. I mean, for goodness sake...I've had it once, why again?

A few things came out of this, which I believe are good. I'm not saying I enjoy the depression, because it is horrible. And you don't understand it unless you've had it (And if you tell me everything's going to be okay...I may throw something at you :-P) but I believe a few things have changed in my life since then.

I believe it has made me a more pastoral personal (When I say more, the being sensitive stuff isn't something I am very good at, but I am learning more and more) and just being there for people. A few of my friends also were diagnosed with it this year, and God's really used me to input in their lives. See, you can't try and give advice about how they should feel. With depression, you feel a certain way a lot of the time with no particular reason. For me, I just hated and doubted everything about myself. I would say "I'm rubbish!" or "Why am I here?" or "I'm not good enough to do this. I'm pathetic" and although there are still struggles, God helps me to handle this and to know I am loved and chosen by him (Do you hear it friends...glory!)

It has also helped me grow up and become more who God wants me to be. Adulthood has been a challenge for me and I was telling a friend recently "I can't believe I rent accomidation, have a full time job, pay bills...dude...I have a car!! Word!" and recently (because I am financially in a place where I can do this) I opened a savings account. I'm learning to dream big and I believe God wants me to learn sound engineering and build a recording studio.

I couldn't tell you if I am over it (because when you've had it, do you really fully get away from it? I can't answer that...) but God has brought me into a much better place, where I am much happier and have something to say to the public. My good friend Jess Harrison told me last week how much better I seem to be doing. And it was good to hear out loud, because I felt it.

Here's my point in all my rambling: I have been fighting, but wanting to give up for a long time now (Who knows how long? My friend wanted to tell me I was depressed for over a year!) and I feel I can stand up properly for the first time in a long time. My life isn't perfect, but God is opening my heart, helping me dream and knowing life is worth living for him! If you ever feel down, or think you may have depression, God will help you through it. Stay close to the people around you, not just so they can tell you what they think, but to pray for you, listen to you and to love you. That's how I'm getting through.

I hope this encourages you. I'll see you in July when I update my blog again (I now do a monthly newsletter. Email me at dandesmond@hotmail.com to be added to it)

Peace and love,

Dan